I’m in a Float…Spa

In Adventures by Jenn0 Comments

About two months after Fire Monkey’s debut, Science Guy and I decided it would be fun to try floating. Therefore we finally did a few weeks shy of his four-month birthday, but who’s counting? New parents can never have too much relaxation, we figured, so we packed Fire Monkey off to his grandparents’ house and headed for the float spa. The following is an approximate transcript of my experience and not a proper review.

Where are we supposed to turn?

What? Why?

Oh, balls, why can’t we turn left?

Okay, now we’re here.

Do you have to go catch Pokemon right now?

“Hi, we have an appointment for 2:00. And I have two Groupons for us.”

I should have downloaded the Groupon app before we came. Oops.

Wow, there’s a $500 fee if you voluntarily or involuntarily contaminate the tank. Do you think that’s just to deter people from peeing in the water?

Ooh, an oxygen bar.

Ooh, watermelon-infused water. Yum.

These chaises are super comfy.

Um, is the informational video supposed to start? Or are we just going to watch this trippy screensaver?

Woah. Double eagles.

Do you think they’re just going to leave us in these chairs, hypnotize us with the video, and then tell us that we floated?

Ah, there we go.

So don’t rub eyes with salt water.Got it.

Are you gonna close the pod door?

I forgot a hairbrush.

Wow, these tanks are bigger than I thought.

Nice shower.

I gotta go to the bathroom again.

Never mind, I’m just nervous?

Okay, shower with shampoo.

No, earplugs first.

Are these in right?

Now shower with shampoo.

THE MUSIC IS STARTING. I’M LATE FOR MY RELAXATION NOOOO.

Oh God, I can’t open the pod.

Never mind, that wasn’t the door. I can’t see anything because I took my glasses off.

Ooh, this is interesting. If I sit, will my butt touch the–okay, yes it does.

Closing door….now.

I’m in a spaceship.

I don’t know how to lay down properly in this kind of water.

Like this?

WHERE DO I PUT MY HANDS THOUGH?

My earplugs are leaking.

I forgot to take my flip-flops off.

Flip-flops can go here.

My hands are too slippery to fix my earplugs.

I CAN HEAR MUSIC IN THE WATER.

Is that the light switch?

Nope, that’s the intercom.Better not push it.

WHEEEEE I HAVE MERMAID HAIR!

Okay, time to start taking 300 breaths.

Is that the light switch?

Yes.

DON’T WANT LIGHTS OFF.

Lights back on.

I lost count of my breaths.

Am I moving?

No, I am not moving.

Oops, now I’m moving.

I should stop playing around.

Let’s breathe again.

WHERE DO I PUT MY HANDS?

Behind my head is nice.

My skin feels like seaweed.

Mmmm, seaweed salad.

No, breathing.

I can hear my heartbeat!

Breathing.

I HAVE MERMAID HAIR WHEEEEE

I need to stop splashing.

Breathing.

Breathing.

LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER.

Breathing.

Breathing.

My thoughts…are…too…slippery…

[nhhhhheeeeeehhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrr]

Hmmm, I have thoughts again. Did I fall asleep? I’m not sure. I think I was awake. I want to try and relax again.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Heartbeat.

Breathe.

TUNAK TUNAK TUN
TUNAK TUNAK TUN
TUNAK TUNAK TUN
DA DA DA

Oh dear. This won’t do.

Breathing….

Breathing…

TUNAK TUNAK TUN
TUNAK TUNAK TUN
DA DA DA

NOOOOOOO

Okay, surely this must be over soon. I wanna play with the lights.

Green.

Teal.

Blue.

STROBELIGHTWHASHAPPENINGTODAY

Blue.

Red.

Pink.

Changing colors. Ooooooh.

Oh, the music is back on. Five more minutes.

I’m going to turn over and pretend to be a whale!

My butt is all the way out of the water without even trying!

My hands look like anemones!

SALT WATER IS DRIPPING FROM MY HAIR INTO MY EYES

I REALLY HOPE THIS SPRAY BOTTLE HAS FRESH WATER IN IT

OPEN POD OPEN POD SPRAY FACE SPRAY FACE

SPRAY HANDS WIPE FACE

Time to get out.

I better powerwash myself so Fire Monkey doesn’t get a face full of salt.

I forgot a hairbrush.

Oh, it’s pouring rain outside.

How do you feel?

I feel good.

 

Sure, I’ll try the oxygen bar.

My nose is full of oranges.

NOW MY NOSE IS CHEWING MINT GUM.

Am I supposed to feel special? I just feel like I have a tube in my nose. But it smells nice.

You pretended you were on a cruise ship, or you pretended to be a cruise ship?

I see.

What do we do now?

Wanna go to Highbanks and catch Pokemon?

Yeah, I’m fine to drive.

Driving, driving, driving.

HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW.

IS THIS WHAT I WAS LIKE ON THE CRUISE

HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE.

No, I’m not distracted by how I feel.

I’m okay now.

Really.

 

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