It’s been awhile since I posted here, though I’ve started at least 3 posts in my head since my last update, and now I can’t remember any of them, of course. Funny how organized and systematic I can be for other people but not for myself, huh?
I feel like that’s motherhood and business owner life in a nutshell: always taking care of someone else before yourself. And I’m not going to sit here and preach about how you have to put your own oxygen mask before you put on anyone else’s, because I do not have it figured out in the slightest.
Science Guy defends his dissertation in 5 days, but I feel like I’m the one falling apart in the final stretch. Winter was rough. Take postpartum depression and throw in a heaping dose of seasonal affective disorder (because Ohio), mix in the simultaneous exhaustion and boredom of caring for an infant, and just for good measure, add a sick husband and months of uncertainty about where we’ll end up next, and I feel approximately like this girl:
(From The Guardian.)
(Science Guy is finally, mercifully, feeling better, but we still don’t now what life is going to look like in 2 months. Also, if I actually tried to run a half marathon, I would look like this after the first hundred yards.)
How did I cope with all this stress, you ask? By looking for external tasks to distract myself with, of course! And then overscheduling myself and my child and swirling down a sneaky hate spiral of anxiety, yay! I am not wired to relax easily. I remember one of the questions on OKCupid, where I met Science Guy, asked, “Doing nothing all day makes me feel…” Science Guy answered, “Good,” and I answered, “Bad.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, this is why I married him. Surprisingly, he is still married to me.
There have been maybe three or four days in the last three months in which I have refused to do anything but read and make sure my offspring continues to survive. And then two weeks of mindbending pain from mastitis kind of slowed me down. (According to Science Guy, I made noises approximately like those I made while in labor.) But did I take any of that time to take care of and pay attention to myself? Naaaahhhhh.
I know that I’ve gotten untethered from a lot of the practices that used to keep me a bit more grounded: yoga, Jesus, journaling, even just the routine of work. Taking on new blogging and design clients, while seemingly counterproductive if my goal is to relax, is actually my attempt to find some sort of much-needed mental stimulation. (I AM also trying to set boundaries on that work so that I can do a little bit of Jesus yoga journaling…which sounds like a fun time and also probably very clumsy for me.)
I don’t have a cute inspirational ending (or honestly even a real point) to this post. I really just want to write and post something to get the engine running again and be able to check something off my to-do list which will motivate me to do actual useful things. Those of you who read this thing, thanks for coming alongside me even when I’m falling all over myself.